I Lived for Him

Let’s say that an “unusual company” calls you and says that you can call your past. But there is a consequence you must accept: If you call your past, your future will also call you. And this is not the only thing that can happen to you. So you need to be careful about what you do. Would you call your past no matter what? 

Actually this company really exists, and I can say that you shouldn’t accept their offer, based on my experiences. They will pick you randomly and call you. If you answer their call they will say, “We give people one time opportunities to make up for the mistakes they made in the past. And now it’s your turn to accept this offer or not.”

Their aim is to catch you off guard and be fooled by their offer. As I said before, I am one of their victims. Let me explain what happened.

A few days ago I got a call from that company. They started to explain the whole thing but I couldn’t hear what they said after the “making up for my mistakes from my past” part. And this was the biggest mistake I made while accepting their offer.

I am the reason why my lover died. To be clear, I can’t say we were lovers, because we weren’t. But we loved each other in every way a person can be loved. We were much more than just two lovers. We were connected to each other, soul to soul. We’ve been through a lot together, just when we said “everything will be alright, we will be alright”, life dragged us into a worse situation. I had to go back to Japan and he stayed in New York. I wrote him a letter to say goodbye, but due to my health problems back then I couldn’t hand it to him by myself. I had to send it with a friend of ours. And this became our curse. 

I put a plane ticket for him to Japan. I wanted him to come with me, leave New York and everything behind. I wanted to show him with all my heart that being together was possible for us. But while he was coming to the airport one of his enemies stabbed him. And then he went to a library instead of a hospital or even airport. He thought that if he didn’t come with me, he would protect us from his dark past by dying. The knife missed all his vital organs, that means he waited for his death. After his death I blamed myself all the time. 

And now you can understand why I accepted the offer without any thought on it. I wanted to say “Give that letter by yourself, no matter what.” to my past self. I convinced myself that this could make up everything. Actually it did, but only for a really short time. It was like a dream. I woke up a new day with him next to me. I couldn’t stop myself from crying with happiness. I was living my dream. Then I waited for him to wake up. Everything looked normal until he woke up. I couldn’t feel his warmth towards me. In the past, we were two pieces that completed each other, but I couldn’t feel this, that time. All I saw on his face was his dull eyes. He was not like himself. I touched his face to be sure if I am daydreaming, again, or not. He was real, but his skin was cold as a dead person, he didn’t talk even once or give any reaction. He was like ‘soulless’, and this was the worst thing that could happen to us. We were connected to each other by our souls, even when he died. But now if he doesn’t have his soul, what should I feel about him? The person who sits next to me was not him, it was just a body for me. Then I remembered that the company employee said “Your future will call you.” and I decided to wait for my future self’s call. I hoped he would say “Everything will be alright, just wait for it. You two could be happy like you dreamed in the past.” I believed it for two days even though it was just a dream, this was the only thing that helped me to live.

After two days, finally I got a call. My future self said the last thing I wanted to hear from him. If I don’t end the soulless body’s life my beloved one can’t be at peace. I lost consciousness after hearing this. I was in a very bad situation, but I knew what I had to do. There was no other choice, I had to. My brain knew he wasn’t the body next to me, but what about my heart? How could I talk to my heart? How could I convince my own heart that what I’m going to kill is just a body? Of course my heart didn’t accept this. I had to do it before I got weaker, and I did. I killed my one and only true love with my own hands. I wanted to convince myself that I didn’t actually kill him. I wanted to convince myself that this was just something I had to do to put him at peace, but I couldn’t. After all, the body in front of me was his body, and it was dying once again, and again because of me. If I had known I would experience all these, I would have never answered the company’s call. 

When he died for the first time, I heard about it months later, they had kept it secret from me. I was hopeful of a letter from him. He was the one who kept me alive when I first came to New York, and when I came back to Japan, I was away from New York, but again he was the one who kept me alive and a letter from him that I waited for, but both never ever came back to me. And now his death was at my hands, the only person he had ever trusted in his life. You could ask why I didn’t kill myself back then. After he died for the first time, they said he was smiling, this is the only reason why I am alive right now. 

We were the perfect pair, he was the right person for me, but our timing was wrong. 

He died for me, I lived for him.

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