Last Letter To My Fictional Lover

You’re making memories with someone else now, aren’t you my love?
You’re never coming back.
Someday I’ll stop hoping for you. Someday my heart will stop longing for you. Someday all the aching will stop.
Yet, there are still so many unsaid things, right on the tip of my tongue.

You were all that my heart desired.
I gave my all to you, but I got nothing in return. And I was okay with that. But now that you’re gone, I can’t help but despise you for that.

I’m scared that I’ll still miss you in a year, but I also feel like my heart is ready to move on.
I don’t want to forget what happened between us, even if I told myself that that would be the best for me. No, I don’t want to look back and think of us
or you
in a negative way. I still think you’re beautiful and I still think so fondly of you.
There’s no bitterness. Only questions. Only “Why”. No answers.
Maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s not.
I learned that even without you I can live another day.
Even when it’s hard. Even when I struggle and my knees get weak and my breathing stops again, the air stuck in my lungs. Even when the thought of you is flooding my mind again. I will let it hurt me. I will let it hurt me all over again. No “pushing it down” anymore. No matter how bad it hurts, I will stand up again and I will take another step. To heal a wound you’ll have to stop touching it first. So that’s what I’m doing.
I spent days and months and years over-analyzing this situation, i tried to put the pieces together but I failed to understand that there were no pieces. Life isn’t a puzzle. Love isn’t a puzzle and I failed to understand.
I don’t want to blame myself anymore. My heart doesn’t have to hold onto you anymore. It can let go. And I can do so in peace. My mind can finally rest.
I will let go of the false hope that one day you will step through this door again.
I will rest in peace and you will not haunt my dreams anymore and I will let go of the illusion that it could have been any different.

And perhaps your existence solely was a game of my mind, a game that’s been well played with every little detail that made me fall in love with the thought of someone so perfect that left with the perfect painful ending. Turns out my mind was playing with me all along. I’ve been a fool for the fictional idea of someone like you.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t a part of me anymore. You always will be. The memories will always be in the back of my head. 
But I learned my lesson now.
I will now gently remove my heart out of your hands and place it back into my chest. I will now take better care of it and be kind to myself. Because the real world is still out there for me, less likely to hurt but still full of adventures and people I’d like to call my own.

Remember that I did love you.
I will never forget you, my fictional lover.

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