I really want to live even it is unbearably rough. I want to feel alive, live like there is no yesterday. Excluding the fact that I will be judged for every breath that I take. Because I always have to be the best at whatever I am doing so people will not despise me. “If I fail, I will fall apart, maybe it is all a test because I feel like I am the worst so I always act like I am the best.” I wouldn’t care about many things like academic validation if people weren’t this judgemental. I would not care about coming home early. Because how could a girl would come home that late right? What does she has to do? You need to fulfill their expectations if you want validation. Yes, I am a control freak. “Driven by a greed to succeed.” That’s what you need to be.
I can’t imagine a world where people are not judging each other. Personally, I feel like I need to satisfy them. Because if I can’t satisfy others I can’t satisfy myself either. This is all about society, gender norms, family, religion, law and class, and many more. I don’t want to be classified for them. I want to be classified as what I think and believe in. “Because it is how I look, not what I think”
I don’t want to think about what would happen after my impulsive actions. I want to express myself truly. Society standards are dumb as a rock. Who would even want to limit themselves to fit other people’s standards? I hate it when they give me that humiliating look whenever I had done something they can’t ascribe to a “young lady”. But when a “man” does the same, they are “the man”. This is not only about misogyny. They also despise a man because what he does isn’t “manly”. A man who wants to wear make-up, nail polish, dress feminine, or any other stuff others ascribe to a “lady” is not manly.