Questions Without Answers

Have you ever questioned why youre alive? Of course there are basic reasons to give such as you being concieved and being given birth to, but I mean have you ever considered why its “you”? Why wasn’t it someone else whose “soul” got attached to the clump of cells in your mothers uterus? Did your “soul” choose to be attached to that clum of cells, was it forced to, or did it just happen by chance? Like these, there are some questions that most humans simply cannot answer.

Do you think you truly know who you are? Of course you know your name, but does it ever feel like its someone else’s? It doesn’t even matter whose it is, t just feels like the name doesn’t truly “belong” to you. Or can you recognize yourself in the mirror? Have you ever seen your reflection and found yourself staring at it for a few seconds, maybe even minutes or hours to figure out who it was? Have you ever felt like seeing a childhood friend you only have a very dusty memmory of when you looked at your reflection, trying to recoginze their voice, their name, their laugh, the memmories you have with them? Do you ever not recognize your voice and feel like you’re being voiced over like a translated movie or show? Do you know what you laugh like? Do you know your own speaking patterns, such as vocabulary you constantly use, or the tense you use the most? Do you recognize the differences between your accent and someone else’s?

Are you aware of how people see you, what they think of you? Do you know what someone would say when asked to describe you? Do you see yourself as better of a person than how people see you, or maybe worse? Would people use the words use use to describe yourself when they are asked to describe you? Are you too cruel to yourself, or maybe to nice? Do you undermine your sucesses, or do you glamorize it to yourself and others? Does the version of you in your imagination match up with the version of you in other peoples heads? And do those impressions of you match the version of you which is currently existing in the universe? What is the “real” you, have you ever wondered? Because the version you see of yourself exists, even if t’s only in your mind. Same goes for the other versions of you in other people’s heads, which might not match up with how you act in “real life”. So can we even determine your existece as real, or do multiples of you exist at the same time?

If you were given a choice to decide, would you want to be born? Personally, I have asked myself the same question constantly for the past 4 years, and yet, I still cannot find any answer. Is living truly worth the pain you go through? Are the emotions you experience so valuable that you would accept unberarable pain just to feel those positive emotions for a limited amount of time? Would all the pain and confusion and emptiness be worth meeting and having relationships with the people you know today, or will meet someday in the future, maybe even tomorrow?  For me, I don’t think I would choose to be born. I mean, not meeting the people I have met my whole life and not experiencing some of the most fascinating moments a person can experience sounds amazing, but is it truly worth the pain, the emptiness? Another thing with me is that I have a health problem which causes me to only produce 15% of the happiness hormones I should be producing, so it already is hard for me to be happy. Why should I take that risk? Aslo why would ı want to put little me through all that pain, that loneliness, that bullyin, that exclusion from every group possible? If I had just said “But she’ll be happy in the future!” wouldn’t that be selfish? Or would selfishnes actually be keeping me from experiencing the happines just so she can avoid the sadness? This is what I mean by “questions which simple minded humans simply cannot find the answers to”.

I don’t think anyone can reach that utopic point of knowing exactly who they are, what they are meant for, what they want to live for, or if they want to live at all. And to describe this anxious feeling, I want to tell you a quote by Fernando Pessoa: “I exist unconsciously and I’ll die unwillingly. I am the interval between what I am and what I am not…” which in my opinion, perfectly captures the unknowing of yourself, and the feeling of giving up trying to find an answer to quesitons such as who you are and why you’re alive.

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